Like We Were Dying

It's been a good two years since I messed around with this blog, and to be honest, the main reason I stopped was I lost my premise. This blog was originally created to reflect on my experiences teaching in Bangkok, which I rarely found time to actually do, and once that ended, I didn't see the need. A lot has changed in the last two years: I'm married, I live in Colorado, and I teach eighth grade English at a charter school. So, what's changed? What makes a person take to writing down her thoughts after two years of not bothering?

Death. That big smack in the face that you never see coming even when you know you should be prepared for it. Yesterday, I learned that my younger brother's best friend had passed away. It wasn't just that Jesse was 24 or 25 years old and seemed to have a whole life ahead of him. It wasn't just that he's been my brother's best friend since kindergarten, and I can't imagine what it would be like to lose someone who's been such a huge part of my life for so long. The thing that struck me about Jesse's death was everyone's reaction to it: That he was in heaven, pain-free, and that his short life could easily be characterized as loving God and loving people.

In many ways, the loss of Jesse reminds me of the loss of my friend Kandice three years ago. Both of them were known as joyful God-lovers, and even in death, they have touched people's lives in so many ways. And both of them knew they might not have long in this world. In the last twelve hours or so, I've found myself looking at my own life and wondering if people would be able to describe me in the same way as Jesse or Kandice, and I come to the conclusion that no, that wouldn't be what they'd say. Why not? Because I don't live like I'm dying.

Talking with my dad last night, I realized it's pretty stupid that most of us don't live that way, since we're all going to die sooner or later, and usually there aren't any clues beforehand. In some ways, it might be nice to know when, because then we could shape up and start living the way we should've been all along. Anything could happen today, and what if I never became the kind, loving person I wanted to be? There's a country song that describes that effect: A man who finds out he's dying starts going on adventures and, more importantly, "loved deeper" and "spoke sweeter." The chorus ends with him saying, "Some day I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying." And that's really it, isn't it? If we knew that the end was soon, wouldn't we choose to just love people and let things go rather than get angry and fight?

Granted, as a Christian, I don't believe the end of this life is the end. I know that my friends are in heaven and happy. However, I do believe that our lives here on earth are our opportunities to make a difference and help others. As a teacher, I think that too often I fall back on my occupation as my "good deed for the day", so to speak. I let myself get angry and snap at people because "I help kids, so I must be doing good most of the time." But that perspective, in light of eternity, is ridiculous.

The point of my writing that we would all do better to live like we're dying isn't to depress people. It's not the dying I want to emphasize but the living. Jesse and Kandice inspired me because of how they lived before they passed away. In the face of death, which would make most people turn bitter, they chose to keep loving God and loving people in words and in actions. The best way, then, to honor their memories is to continue to live as they did, like every moment counts, because however long it takes, we are all dying.

"Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize." - 1 Corinthians 9:26-27.

Why I still want to teach

What is it about the end that makes us so reflective about beginnings and middles? What is it about graduations that makes us so nostalgic and excited all at once? Why is it that no one ever warns you after that first graduation that life just changes faster and more frequently from then on?

It's the end of my first year teaching and my year in Bangkok, and oh, what a year it's been! It was almost nothing like I thought it would be, but despite all the trials, I think I am actually a better teacher because I grew a lot through my experiences, learning things about myself, my students, and about what does or doesn't work for me as a teacher. In 9 days, I will be flying back to the States...so far, only a bunch of applications floating out there hoping to attract an employer in the way of a job. And I'm getting married. Seriously, in the last 3 years I've had more changes in my life than the rest of my life combined. I returned from Cambodia. I job-hunted. I went into teaching. I met my husband-to-be. And I went to teach in Thailand. Now, in the next 3 months, I'm moving to Colorado, trying to find a job, and getting married. Everything's changing again.

I loved teaching my seniors this year. I loved being a part of their senior year and being on the other side, rooting for them. I loved reliving the appreciation they had for each other at the end of the year, combined with that weird excitement for not knowing exactly what comes next. And I loved realizing in the midst of this that I too am at a major turning point, but like them, one that I'm ready for.

Most of you know that I fell into teaching backwards. I had absolutely no desire to ever stand in front of a crowd of teenagers and feel their attention all on me for even just one class period, let alone an entire day. And even when I felt like teaching was something God wanted me to pursue, I couldn't deny to myself how much that scared me and couldn't figure out why none of my former teachers laughed in my face when I told them I was thinking of becoming a teacher. But at the end of this year, I feel even more certain that teaching is exactly what I'm supposed to do. Why? Because of my students.

I have some fantastic memories from this year: charades, the blind faith experiment, the "sheep thing", and of course, the unbelievable response to TSS. I got the opportunity to see students think for themselves, use their voices, and find their passions about stuff they were learning that's also relevant...and the things they told me at the end of it all showed me that it had meant something. An impact had been made. And that, above all else, is why I still want to teach; it's one of those few occupations that has the daily opportunity to change lives and make a difference. When a student tells you directly, especially in writing, that you did that for them, that's something you never forget.

Like Jonathan said at graduation, endings are also the beginnings of something else. I will miss teaching these students a lot, but there are a lot of good things starting for me. A thousand splendid memories are still in the making.

Cambodian Detour

Well, here I am back in Cambodia for the 3rd time in 3 years. Can you believe it's been that long since I lived here? I can't...and yet, walking around Battambang the last few days, to some degree, I found myself oddly amazed that I really had called this place home because it's changed so much. When I lived here, everything felt like some grand adventure, and I just went with the flow. Now I look around and see paved streets, a zillion hotels, and places where I used to go all the time gone and replaced. Yet, in the midst of that, I see so much that hasn't changed that I feel caught in the midst of some cosmic paradox.

Change happens...everywhere...whether you're there or not. Seeing old friends, meeting new ones, and wandering around this place reminded me not only how much Cambodia has changed without me, but how much I've changed since I left. Of course, if it hadn't been for Cambodia, I never would've gone into teaching, but even more than that, I was reminded how blessed I've been in my life. How many people can say they got to live overseas for a year, completely immersed in another culture? I had so many adventures and wonderful experiences over here, and very soon, I will get to start a new adventure when I marry the most amazing guy I've ever known. I realized today that I really have been blessed with the best of many worlds. 

I don't know what God has up His sleeve for me exactly in the months ahead in the way of finding a job, but this trip has been good at reminding me of all the ways He's provided for me in the past...even now. Getting me across the border, getting me to Battambang (after getting cheated) -- even the negative experiences have helped me get where I needed to go and taught me things along the way. I definitely have a lot of work ahead of me for job hunting, but somehow, I feel like it'll come together. Some of the best things that have come to me in life, I fell into backwards: Cambodia, teaching, meeting Adam.

I'm ready for what's next. It's new and different, but I'm looking forward to it. I got where I am now because of where I've been, and I guess it was just good to be back in one of those key places again before I take that leap.

The Scoop

Apparently, it's now been nearly 2 months since the last time I posted on this blog. Sorry guys! I really did think this would be a good way to keep up with me. But things have been so crazy busy that that just hasn't been the case. Plus, over Christmas break, I just wasn't thinking about it. After all, I wasn't in Thailand anymore; I was in the U.S. All that to say...

I'M ENGAGED!!!!

It happened over Christmas break. Adam flew into Detroit to spend a few days with my family before we went to spend the rest of his break with his family in Ohio. As it goes, Adam waited to ask my dad for permission to marry me until we were just about to leave for Ohio, and humorously, he barely managed to catch him. My dad had just woken up and was, shall we say, unusually attired. Long story short, Adam got the blessing, but the proposal didn't come till a few days later.

The Tuesday after Christmas, Adam and I were driving back from visiting some friends of his in Fort Wayne, and we came through a park close to his house on the way back. In the park was a little gazebo with a Christmas tree and decorated with a lot of lights. I happened to say to Adam how pretty that was. The next night, Adam asked me if I wanted to go for a walk. Now, going for a walk isn't an unusual activity for us, except for the fact that it's now dark and cold and I'm used to 90 degree temperatures in Thailand. But I agreed and we headed off to the park. By the time we got there, I could barely feel my fingers, but Adam said something about wanting to check out the tree in the gazebo to see if it was real or fake. I'm almost ashamed to say it, but by this point, I'd pretty much figured out what was going on.

Once inside the gazebo, Adam asked me if I wanted my Christmas present, and I said yes. So, he pulled this large white box out of his coat and had me open it. Inside was a smaller gold box of chocolate and a small white box. I opened the white box, but there was nothing in it. I looked at him and said, "It's empty." Adam went off on a dramatic, "What? I can't believe it. Don't tell me I forgot to put it in there..." paused, and then said, "Or did I?" Then, he pulled the ring out of his coat, got down on one knee, and asked me to marry him.

So, there you go. That's the story! It was crazy hard saying goodbye to him and coming back to Bangkok after that, but experience has taught me that this time will fly. So far, I've managed to stay really on top of things all week at school, no thanks to a canceled flight and lots of jet lag. But thanks to my mom, planning this wedding is going smoothly. I've already got a dress and several other things. I don't think I could do this without her. There is definitely a lot to be praying for, though, in the months ahead with everything that will need to be worked out, particularly for me.

Anyway, just wanted to share that excitement:) Hopefully it won't be 2 months before I post again, but I make no promises. Ha ha.

November in Thailand

I honestly don't have much time to write (what else is new), but for those of you who faithfully keep checking my blog in the hopes that there will be, here is a quick update.

Fall break was awesome! I loved Japan. Check out the pictures I put on facebook if you want a better idea about the trip, because it's been 2 or 3 weeks now, and I can't remember that much under pressure. We were planning a trip to India the first weekend in December, but that fell through today. Ah well.

Soccer is over. The girls did awesome at their last tournament, with a great fourth place finish that could've been first, if the tournament hadn't come down to goal differential. One of my girls was MVP of the tournament, and the guys finished second. It was a fun trip being out of school with the students; I'm glad I went.

Now that soccer's over, however, things have not lightened up the way I thought they would. My schedule is busier than ever, especially with progress reports needing to be ready by tomorrow. School's really been very up and down lately, and I am more than ready for a break. I did finally make it to a couple different parks to go running, of which the second one became my new favorite place in Bangkok. It's pretty, with a long peninsula jutting out into a "lake." Nothing like running in Cambodia, and getting out there makes me actually feel like I'm in Thailand instead of cloistered in a giant school bubble.

It's hard to believe November is half over...there really isn't that long to go before Christmas break with all that I have to get accomplished by then. I am very tired, though. Adam finally finished at basic, and he's at tech school right, still in Texas. Eventually he'll get stationed in Colorado...fortunately for me, he's got some time off for Christmas, and I'm looking forward to seeing his handsome face again in person.

Well, time to do something productive again. Hope you're all having a good month; have a happy Thanksgiving, when we get there:)

Insert Witty Title Here

I don't remember how long it's been since the last time I posted. It feels like it was long ago, yet every time I sit down to do this, I feel like there hasn't been that much that's happened to report. Well, I'll try.

I'm rather on top of things with school. I mean, it's still a lot of work, and I always seem to have something to grade or plan...the planning especially can get lengthy when I realize what I want to do and what I have to create to do it can lead to some very late, time-consuming nights at the school. I don't like to be at the school late; it's creepy when it's dark, I'm not gonna lie. The other night I heard someone humming in the dark stairwell...don't really want to relive that again, ha ha. Of course, part of my ingenious plan to be on top of things included not trying to squeeze everything I collected first quarter into first quarter report card grades...now, however, I'm discovering that in order to put those assignments on 2nd quarter, I'll have to change their due dates, because otherwise the system won't allow them to be added. Fabulous. The best laid plans of mice and men, right?

Soccer's been up and down. It goes from being my fun stress relief to a frustration and back again almost daily. Today was the faculty vs. varsity game; we lost 1-0. I didn't really care if we won or not, since the girls usually beat the teachers, and I knew it would be good if the girls could get up to play this game...however, I really wanted to put a ball in the back of the net and I missed about 10 shots trying to get one there. Blah. Major source of disappointment, as usual, comes from myself. The girls really enjoyed themselves and played well against the old fogey teachers...one of my players has nicknamed me "Long Legs," which does fit and almost has a Native American ring to it - cracks me up every time I hear it.

Add to this the ongoing saga with the book issue, and I really need this vacation coming up in about a week. We have a meeting tomorrow that I'm dreading. Looking forward to the Philippines and Japan, though:)

On the bright side, the unexpected happened yesterday. One of my seniors asked me to write her a letter of recommendation for her college, something I've never done before. As a first year teacher, I wasn't really expecting to be asked either. Of course, I agreed, and the more I thought about it, the more I thought that it wouldn't be that hard to recommend this girl. She's a hard worker and extremely persevering. She's really impressed me since last year when I was student teaching with the way she goes after understanding and overcomes all the obstacles that she's had. So, that was an honor.

Last Saturday, I got out and went to immigration with a few other girls to get my re-entry permit. Afterwards, Krista and I went to the Central mall, got some coffee, did some shopping, and just chilled. Even though it was earlier than I wanted to wake up, I realized later that the outing had relaxed me. I'd gotten away from school and did some small, fun things. I need to find time to do that more often...and not let my overactive creativity keep me locked in my classroom.

Anyway, Adam's supposed to graduate from basic a week from today. Please keep praying for him as he finishes and pray about the job he'll get. It'll be so nice to talk to him again. I've really missed him....never want to do 2 months like this again, that's for sure.

Stop the Madness!

Ok, well, obviously I've been busy since it's now October. Thought I would let you all know I'm still alive and my head's still above water, at least for now. But in the ongoing saga of work to be done, I'm going to keep this short and snappy.

1. Teaching is good. I really enjoy my students. The seniors are starting some Greek literature, and after last year, I finally have some background and experience there. They seem to be enjoying it. The sophomores are going to make Medieval newspapers. Woohoo!

2. Soccer is good-ish. I feel bad that the girls are mostly having a losing season, but they are playing some really hard schools with mostly European girls. Rather intimidating. The Varsity got their first win today, but it was in a tournament, so there were losses at the same time...which was sad. But I do enjoy playing with them. Turns out I will be going with them to the tournament in Phuket the first weekend in November. JV has a winning record, so that's nice. One of the girls got injured kind of badly again today, but she's fine now.

3. Today, Lissa and I took moto-taxis to meet up with Andrew's family to get to the tournament, and my moto ended up crossing behind a truck that was stuck in the mud. It spun its wheels and sent chunks of muddy rocks flying, one of which hit me in the foot and bruised it pretty good. It's sore. I guess I should be thankful that it hit me in the foot, though.

4. Other things at school are still hard.

5. For fall break, I'm going to spend a few days in Manila (the first place I ever went in Asia) and then go to Kyoto, Japan for the rest of the week with a couple friends from here. Very excited for a fun vacation away, especially to Japan, where I've never been before.

6. Adam is 3 weeks from the end of basic. Please keep praying for him, especially that he would get one of the jobs he's interested in. I think he's getting nervous about that, and so am I. He just finished gas chamber training and is moving on to something called the Beast. Anyway, I'm really looking forward to being able to talk to him again. I miss him a lot. As of this Monday, we will have been together officially for a year.

Okay, I think that should last a while. Happy October:) Man, I miss fall!